Coming Out
Coming out to yourself or someone else is an incredibly personal decision.
BE OUT WHEN AND WHERE YOU ARE SAFE
There’s no right or wrong way to do it. It’s completely up to you and your relationship with who you might share it with. For those who want to come out, taking stock of who in your life supports and encourages you, and helps you feel less alone can make a big difference. There are lots of different ways to come out!
Here are just a few examples:
Calling someone on the phone
Sending a text
Email
Writing a letter
Talking with someone in person
Planning ahead you might decide to take some time to prepare what you want to say.
Writing out how you might want to come out to someone can be useful.
Practicing with supportive people can also help in figuring out what you want to say and how you want to say it.
How do I want to come out to them?
What would I say to someone I want to come out to?
What would I expect them to say?
Is there a way I would want to prepare prior to coming out?
If you are thinking about coming out, it can be important to think about the range of reactions people may have, including the good ones and the bad ones.
Here are some questions to think through how they might react:
What are some of the good responses I may hear?
What are some of the bad responses I may hear?
What do I expect their reactions will be, based on what I know about the person I’m sharing with?
How do I want them to react?
Keep in mind that other peoples’ responses can be quite varied.
Testing The Waters Figuring out how people feel about LGBTQ people and topics can give you an idea about how they might possibly react (though not always).
Some ways that other people have tested the waters:
Asking how they feel about an LGBTQ celebrity.
Asking how they feel about marriage equality Listening to their words:
Do they put down LGBTQ people?
Do they invoke LGBTQ stereotypes?
Noticing how they handle difficult emotional events, which can help you guess what reactions to be ready for.
Sometimes the people we come out to ask a lot of questions. It’s okay to not have all the answers; it is not your job to be the expert on your identities.
If you feel comfortable, you are always welcome to answer these potential questions, but you don’t owe anyone any information that you aren’t comfortable sharing.
Environment and Timing
There is no perfect time to come out. In fact, the best time will probably change depending on who you want to tell. Sometimes it is helpful to
wait for a time when the person you tell feels relaxed, open, and willing to listen.
Other times, you may need to share at a random moment.
It is about whenever it feels right to you.
Here are some questions to think through to explore timing that might work for you:
What time works best for me to come out?
What time of day feels like a good time to share?
(before school, after work, during dinner, etc.)
What time of year feels like a good time to share?
(school season, summer, holidays, etc.)
What time works best for the person I want to come out to?
Location
Like timing, there is also no perfect place to come out.
Some places might be safer or more comfortable for you than others.
Would I rather be in a public or private space?
Does home feel like a safe place to talk?
Where would we both be comfortable talking?
Is there a location special to me and the person I’m talking with?
Coming Out at School
Coming out at school can be a great way for some to connect with other LGBTQ classmates.
School can also be an unsafe space for many people. When thinking about coming out at school, make sure to keep your safety and wellness in mind.
You may want to make a safety plan for school if you feel like you might face some tough times. How would being out at school make me feel?
Who would I want to share with at school?
Are there supportive faculty members, counselors, teachers or adults at my school? Is there a Gender & Sexuality Alliance (GSA) or similar club/community that I feel comfortable attending?
Are there anti-bullying rules that protect LGBTQ students that are enforced? Will coming out put my safety at risk?
If so, what steps can I take to stay safe?
Support
Think about people in your life who would support you no matter what.
Who do I feel safe with?
Who do I feel comfortable sharing about my life with?
Who in my life has my back no matter what? Who in my life builds up my confidence?
These supportive people could be:
• Real-life and online friends, classmates
• Team members, school club members, online communities
• Teachers, counselors, doctors, co-workers
• Family members, caretakers, parents, siblings, cousins, neighbors
• Religious or spiritual leaders
Safety Around Coming Out
Unfortunately, coming out doesn’t always go according to our hopes and plans.
If people don’t react the way we wish, it does not reflect on the realness of our identities, and it is not our fault.
You deserve to be accepted with open arms, care, and love. In situations where things are feeling unsafe or you expect that they might be, it could make sense to prepare a back-up plan for housing, food, school, and/or transportation, just in case.
Your safety and well-being are of the utmost priority.
Healthy Relationships
As you explore your identity and coming out, a very important part of that process can be the consideration of dating and/or starting a relationship with special someone(s).
With that can come a great deal of excitement and even a bit of anxiety as you get to know someone new. While navigating this process, it is important to know the difference between a healthy relationship and one that might be unhealthy. Only you can define your expectations, boundaries, and needs.
Remember, you reserve the right to express when something doesn’t feel right, and we all deserve to feel safe and secure with people we are dating.
• Healthy relationships can be are characterized by trust, honesty, mutual respect, open communication and most importantly feeling safe and secure.
• Unhealthy relationships may be characterized by elements of control, sometimes manifesting physically, emotionally, and/or sexually. Violence, coercion, or force of any kind is not healthy and does not create a safe, respectful space for all partners.
• Consent to engage in sexual, physical, and/or romantic intimacy is extremely important and must be enthusiastically and freely given by each person. You always have the right to say no or stop an intimate experience, no matter the reason, no matter if you’ve been intimate with that person before, and no matter if you consented to another behavior earlier. This goes for the person/people you are being intimate with as well. Everyone must consent.
Coming out and learning more about yourself can sometimes feel like a roller coaster — full of emotional ups and downs.
To stay healthy, it’s important to discover what helps you feel cared for, relaxed, and able to cope with everything that’s going on.
This is called “self-care,” and it’s about taking care of YOU.
Coming up with some go-to self-care ideas can be a helpful way to make your mental and physical health a priority.
Sometimes we all need a little extra self-care when times are tough. Checking in on how you’re feeling mentally, emotionally, and physically is a great way to help keep track of when this might be needed for you.
Here are some ideas for a self care plan:
1. Call, text, or chat with a friend for support
2. Talk to a supportive person in your life if you’re feeling sad or unsafe
3. Identify safe places you can go to if you need to get away from a stressful situation
4. Connect with a trained counselor via TrevorLifeline, TrevorText, or TrevorChat
5. Log on to TrevorSpace.org to connect with other LGBTQ young people
6. Focus on your interests: Do something you enjoy. Write your thoughts out in a journal or create an art project to express your feelings
7. Connect with your body: Take deep breaths. Take a shower or bath. Some people find movement like yoga, walking, or running helpful. You know your body best and what feels good for you
8. Put on headphones and listen to your favorite music
9. Watch your favorite TV show and relax
10. Remind yourself that you are a valuable person exactly as you are When I’m having a hard time, what do I do to cope? What helps me stay healthy, relaxed and positive? Who could I call, text, or chat with if I need support? What are my favorite things to do? What are my goals for the future? What are some self-care activities I want to try out?
Checking in on Your Mental Health Warning Signs Feeling sad or alone can be overwhelming, especially if people in your life are unsupportive.
While these feelings are completely normal, it’s important to keep an eye out for warning signs of larger mental health struggles.
You are not alone and asking for help is a sign of strength. Have You Felt...?
Unimportant Trapped and/or Hopeless Overwhelmed and/or Unmotivated Alone Angry and/or Irritable Impulsive Suicidal Have You Been...?
Using drugs or alcohol more than usual Acting differently than usual Giving away your most valuable possessions Losing interest in your favorite things to do Planning for death by writing a will or letter Eating or sleeping more or less than usual Feeling more sick, tired, or achy than usual Do You...?
Not care about the future Put yourself down (and think you deserve it) Plan to say goodbye to important people Have a specific plan for suicide